I think I was the happiest freshly postpartum from my third (maybe not week 2, let’s go with month 3), spending my days writing, soaking in the love that comes with bringing a new life into the world. Feeling unstoppable and a little shaky all at once.
Having conversations with myself in my journal every day.
Being completely off social media and fully immersed in reality.
Driving to the lake on Saturday mornings to sit by water and write - feeling inspired by pairs of ducks diving, children fishing, the way light dances between the branches of trees, besties on power walks pushing strollers - feeling full of gratitude and able to see everything I already had.
Not focused on what was missing.
Letting showing up as myself be enough.
Feeling like “I got this.” I knew what it meant to be a mother - I wasn’t new or learning (for the first time - of course, I’m always learning). I trusted myself as a wife and mom and human.
I’ve always wondered why that unsettled feeling creeps in when I am basking in the joy of living this life.
I feel confident that it does not come from my inner self - it feels like ego, the part of me that wants to be seen as important and successful. The part of me that seeks validation and acceptance from others as a means to validate and accept myself. Ick. Writing those two sentences makes me feel a little ill. But I let them flow before I could stop myself. And now, witnessing the truth, I can’t unsee it.
These conversations I have with myself - journaling in the morning, quietly typing notes and email drafts in my phone at 11pm while my whole house is asleep (I’m currently laying on my two year old’s floor right now), these are the ones that move me closer to the answers I am looking for - they move me closer to myself. To be in conversation with myself is to know myself. And to know myself is, well, everything.
Here are a few of my favorite journaling questions right now that are sparking deeper conversations with myself:
1. What thoughts would make today feel expansive?
2. What is my inner dialogue telling me today?
3. What do I believe about myself? Happiness? Money? The world? Is that the ultimate truth?
4. What am I ready to stop believing about myself?
5. Who do I want to be today?
6. What am I grateful for?
7. What feels good in my body right now?
8. What is working in my life right now?
Big love,
A